The Robocall Generator

by Laura Bedingfield Herakovich on October 16, 2012

Did you know there’s an election coming up in a few weeks?

Oh, of course you did. All those commercials you’ve heard and debates you’ve endured and flyers you’ve recycled haven’t just been for funsies, you know.

Politics lights a fire under just about everyone. Just scroll through Facebook; it’s like the Hatfields and McCoys out there, scrabbling and rough-housing and being nasty just for the heck of it. Both sides are never going to agree.

Except, I’d wager, on one thing: the supreme worthlessness of the Robocall.

Telemarketing drives me nuts, but Robocalls have to be in the telemarketing ninth circle of hell.

Does anyone actually think that the President (or his opponent) has taken time out of his day to personally call you? And if he did, wouldn’t that be an immediate cause for concern? Making a casual call to a housewife in north Atlanta on a Tuesday night whilst the Middle East is imploding doesn’t seem like the most prudent use of time by the leader of the free world, now does it? Same goes for his candidate; I’m not making a political statement here.

Have you ever actually listened to an entire robocall? I doubt it because who wants to waste 3 minutes of one’s life hearing a recorded message of cliches? It’s worse than dealing with outsourced customer service. Jerry Seinfeld perfected mocked them: yadda, yadda, yadda. Any one could write those things.

Don’t think so? Just grab a sheet of paper and fill in the blanks below. Then, for as low as $.03 a call (http://www.callfire.com, among many other sites), you can send out your very own Robocall to the people of America. Your approval ratings will soar. (Not.)

 YOUR HANDY-DANDY ROBOCALL GENERATOR

(1) YOUR NAME:___________________________________________

(2) A PROFESSION:_________________________________________

(3) A FRIEND’S NAME:______________________________________

(4) A POLITICAL OFFICE:____________________________________

(5) PLURAL NOUN:_________________________________________

(6) PLURAL NOUN:_________________________________________

(7) SAME NAME AS (3)______________________________________

(8) ADJECTIVE:____________________________________________

(9) NOUN:_________________________________________________

(10) NOUN:________________________________________________

(11) ADJECTIVE:____________________________________________

(12) ADJECTIVE:____________________________________________

(13) NOUN:_________________________________________________

(14) NOUN:_________________________________________________

(15) ADJECTIVE:_____________________________________________

Campaign managers around America are sweating right now because I’ve cracked the code.

I asked my 8 year old to help me generate a Robocall using the simple form above (of course, you have to know the basic parts of speech). Here’s what we got. It’s solid. It covers the issues. It sets a tone. You can’t wait to go vote.

Hello, this is (1) Jack, and I am a (2) Priest calling to urge you to vote on Election Day, November 6th for (3) Noah [last name omitted]. After analyzing all the candidates for (4) Congressman, the choice is clear for our (5) pogo sticks and our (6) tennis balls. (7) Noah is the best candidate in the race. Through (8) furry times he has stood up for (9) shopping carts, (10) boys and for a (11) bushy and (12) smelly government in the face of major (13) broom deficits. Most importantly, he has fought to create (14) poison ivy and to get our state out of this (15) dirty recession. So join me, and vote on November 6th!

See? Sounds great, right?

Trust me; it was great…if you’d only just read it all.

Laura Bedingfield Herakovich doesn’t give a flying fig who you vote for as long as you vote. That’s her stance online, at least. Vote, people. Do it. Or else she’ll track you down and send you a Robocall daily. Her readers are worth at least $.03.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: