Almost Famous

by Sarah Knight on August 17, 2012

A few days ago, Jennifer Aniston got engaged to Justin Theroux. This affected me personally because I have a past relationship with Jennifer Aniston’s fiancé. I have slept at Justin Theroux’s house many times. He has also slept at my house. We have spent countless hours in each other’s company.

It’s a great story. The tabloids would have a field day: “Justin’s Life Before Jen!” “Mystery Woman from Justin’s Past!” “Sleepovers at Theroux’s House!”

But the problem is that it’s just ALMOST a great story.

I haven’t seen Justin since he was 12. In elementary school, I was friends with his sister and he was friends with my brother. We weren’t friends with EACH OTHER. In my memory, Justin was a vague presence who mildly annoyed me (as all of my brother’s friends mildly annoyed me). I rarely spoke to him except to tell him to leave me and my friend alone while we were playing. Once we all went to junior high and separate schools, the friendships drifted apart.

Lately, all of my stories seem like ALMOST great stories. I took the girls to eat lunch at the Varsity in Atlanta last month and we arrived just moments after President Obama left. The buzz was still in the air, but it was just a buzz. The president wasn’t actually still there.

Two weeks ago, we went to Disney World and Tom Cruise and Suri were there. Other people spotted them, but we did not. The girls did not befriend Suri and we did not get to spend the night in the Cinderella castle with them.

Even my brief appearance on CNN last month was just almost a great story. I was only on for the last minute of the segment, they only showed me saying one sentence that didn’t technically make sense, and they didn’t actually mention our website.

However, I did get recognized one time. When I was going home one night, I said goodbye to the security guard at work and he said that he had seen me on TV. I was about to correct him and explain that it must have been someone else but then he said, “I saw you on CNN.”

It WAS me! I had my very first fan! However, he wasn’t exactly a fan. He didn’t say anything else or seem too interested. He just stated it as a fact. He was my ALMOST fan!

Still it was something. And “almost” is better than nothing. And who knows? Maybe Justin saw that CNN segment. If he did, he probably turned to Jen and said, “I KNOW HER! We lived in the same neighborhood! We went to Lafayette together! I was friends with her brother Alex! She was friends with my sister!” Then Jen probably got really jealous and insecure (after all, I was featured as a “Mom Not Having it All” on national TV).

After Justin reassured her, he probably muttered to himself, “Damn. It’s ALMOST a great story.”

Sarah Knight understands that her friend and website co-founder, Shannon, will totally not get this post. Shannon has no interest in celebrities and once WOULD NOT STAY AND STARE AT HARRISON FORD when she was eating lunch with the author and Harrison Ford sat down at the table next to them. Many years later, Sarah is still in shock from this fact.

 

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