10 Reasons Why I’m Not on Pinterest

by Laura Bedingfield Herakovich on August 21, 2012

Right about the time I feel like I have a working grip on Facebook, along comes the latest time-suck. No, not Twitter; I’m still at the pre-K level of Twittering, by the way. Pinterest. (I do realize that Pinterest has been going on for a year or so.)

After being asked by 47 friends if I was on Pinterest, I finally decided to take a peek. Great God in Heaven, was this Martha Stewart’s prison-term brainchild? How on earth do all these people have the time to do all these things and then photograph, edit and upload pictures of their…stuff?

And there’s so much…stuff. I rooted around all that stuff for about an hour and came to the conclusion that Pinterest was a bit much for me.

Care to see my list of reasons? Let me show you my pinboard of them:

1. I never, ever braid my hair. Nor do I know anyone over the age of, say, 10 who does. My idea of an up-do is a ponytail, not a cascading braid that wraps around my head and through which I have stuck tiny flowers. I’m a low-maintenance kinda gal and the thought of spending half an hour on my coif for the carpool line is just ridiculous.

2. I’m already married. For almost 10 years now. And I plan on staying that way so I do not need ideas for my flower girls or ways to ask my bridesmaids to be bridesmaids or suggestions on wedding favors for the reception.

3. Who the hell is Jesse Metcalf? Or Matt Bomer? Or Cam Gigandet? Clearly, I am too old for Pinterest seeing as I have no clue who all these Tiger Beat heartthrobs are. Also, 41 year old women have no business ogling teenagers. Way up there on the ick-factor, folks. Just imagine if there was a Man-terest board and old dudes sat around gaping at uber-young models. Oh, wait, that’s the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. My bad.

4. I see all the E-Cards I can handle on Facebook. I trust my friends’ senses of humor. They swipe those suckers from Pinterest, repost on their own walls and there you go. No middle man involved. And yes, they are funny but they are also a bit last week. Kind of like me just dipping my toes into this Pinterest madness.

5. I’m not into tattoos. Or funky, striped, leopard-patterned, neon-colored, dagger shaped fingernails. Really? I have 3 kids. I have no time for nail maintenance as it is. While we’re at it, I also have no time for copious amounts of sparkly eye make-up or millipede-leg fake eyelashes. If Pinterest had some suggestions for how to make an unshowered, post-carpool mother who hasn’t had her hair cut in 2 months look like Heidi Klum in less than 10 minutes, I’d be all ears. Until then, y’all can keep your eyeliner artwork and talon designs (and tattoos–especially the still-red-around-the-edges/I-just-left-the-tattoo-parlor shots).

6. I live in a home full of picky eaters. All those crazy recipes? Yes, that’s pretty impressive. But even if I found one that would be eaten by my entire family, it’s not going to be one that has even a modicum of healthiness to it. Mint Chocolate Cheesecake Popsicles? Velveeta Frito-pie, anyone? And can I get you a good cardiologist while I’m at it?

7. I don’t knit. Even if I did knit, I certainly would not need to knit cuddly owl toys or mock Swedish slippers or a neck cosy for my husband who’d likely divorce me for making him wear it because I’d be so depressed after spending the past 4 months alone in our house knitting him this uneven, awful neck cosy that I’d snap and start bawling because he tossed it in the Good Will pile. (Hmm, maybe those cute flower girl ideas could come in handy…) Might as well go buy a litter of kittens instead and officially become the Cat Lady. But don’t let me stop you, wily knitters. You keep on trumping those crocheters and their potholders.

8. I can only handle about 2 or 3 seasonal crafts per holiday. You’d think this one would be the carrot on the stick for me. I do love me some Halloween. But I also love me some proper decorations created by the good folk at Pottery Barn or Pier One. And by the time I’ve purchased all the stuff to create my very own squash and black cat Halloween tree, I could have paid for the entire Pottery Barn Halloween oeuvre. Besides, the Pinterest folks are waaay past Halloween and are already on to Christmas, so I’m behind the times again.

9. My husband has banned wooden worded signs in our home. Actually, he’s banned me adding any more wooden worded signs to our home. A few are ok. A few are funny or uplifting or inspirational or inspirational. But get too many of these things scattered around your house and it goes all Cracker Barrel.

10. You want cute pets? Dude, we’ve got cute pets. Lots of them. Living right here in the house with us; no need for me to scout out cuteness on the internet when I could just mosey over to the breakfast table and visit our frogs. On the way, I’d pass the gerbil’s tank and would also like perk up the ears of our 2 dogs. That’s cuteness 5 ways. And our gerbil is way cuter than a Pug dressed like Yoda or a cat in a predicament any day.

Maybe this Pinterest thing overwhelms me because I’m already time-challenged. Of course, I’d love to sit down and make sets of felted Christmas ornaments or surprise the world by actually wearing make-up and doing more with my hair than yanking it back under a baseball cap. But that junk takes time (lots of it) and focus (waning a bit these days), so it’s not happening. I can barely get my boys’ snacks packed and all the laundry done; I’d rather be outside throwing the baseball with them or watching them climb on the backyard fort. But one day, maybe.

Hmm, maybe I could create a stuff-for-the-distant-future-when-I-want-my-sons-to-let-me-watch-my-grandchildren board? That might be the ticket.

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