The Husband’s Guide to Getting Some

by Shannon Hembree on July 26, 2012

Dear Men,

We wives have been talking. That’s never a good sign…unless you want to have more sex with your wife. Then it’s a good sign, because we are about to lay out a very clear roadmap for getting what you want. So here it is – our guide to getting your wife in the mood.

Section A: Married to a Stay-at-Home Mom (All those married to moms with paying jobs, please proceed to section B)

  • Don’t come home from work and look at the house in disgust. This will immediately guarantee you will have no sex. Maybe forever.
  • Don’t come home from work and wonder aloud why the kids are naked. Your wife likely just cleaned up someone’s poopy accident in the middle of a carpeted floor. Again, no sex for you.
  • Don’t come home from work and ask your wife why she hasn’t showered. Ditto on the no sex.
  • Don’t come home from work and ask your wife if she has laundered your giant pile of dirty clothes. She may throw the previously mentioned pile of dirty clothes at you…and then…no sex.
  • Don’t assume your role is solely breadwinner and that it has nothing to do with helping around the house or with the kids. If you don’t help around the house, she will work late into the night doing it…rather than…you (yup, we just wrote that).
  • Don’t go the whole day without calling to talk to your spouse. She is at home with small children. She will appreciate it. Plus, a little extra connection during the day never hurts.
  • Do come home once or twice a week and tell your wife to relax for the rest of the night. Your kids need dad time, and she needs alone time…or maybe just time to shower off the spitup from an incident with your infant earlier in the day.
  • Do come home from work with a bottle of wine (and maybe even some flowers) and say something like, “I love you and all that you do. You’re an amazing wife and mom.” This combo platter will pretty much ensure a home run that Meat Loaf would be proud of (although perhaps not by the dashboard lights…unless you are into that kind of thing…no judgments here).

Section B: Married to a Mom Who Brings Home a Paycheck

  • Don’t tell your wife in a guilt-inducing voice that you think the kids missed her during the day while she was at work. This will only make her want to slap you…and not in the way they talk about in that men’s magazine of yours.
  • Don’t tell your wife why you think the nanny or the daycare is not good for your child. We’re going to stop saying ‘No Sex’ here, because it should be obvious at this point.
  • Never EVER comment on how young and/or attractive the nanny or daycare provider looks. Okay, we can’t help ourselves – no freakin’ sex, genius!
  • Don’t gloat that your paycheck is bigger. Don’t pout because yours is not.
  • Don’t ask if she needs help around the house. Just…help…around…the…house.
  • Don’t give her a hard time for working late. She wouldn’t do it if she didn’t have to.
  • Do tell your wife you appreciate the sacrifices she is making (the same goes for those in Category A).
  • Do come home from work with a bottle of wine (and maybe even some flowers) and say something like, “I love you and all that you do. You’re an amazing wife and mom.” Again, paradise by the dashboard lights…or whatever floats your boat.

We know that the path to paradise seems more complicated, but it’s usually not. And most of the moms we’ve talked to agree – a little bit of appreciation can go a long way. A little bit of appreciation with some flowers and wine can go even further. Just kidding – the wine isn’t necessary, but the appreciation is (yes, we understand it is a two-way street, and all you wives reading this need to send some appreciation the other way as well. Everyone is working hard to muddle through.). So take heart all of you husbands out there. You used to have a lot more competition when it came to enticing a woman to warm your bed. Now you have the woman to warm your bed, the challenge is making her feel like you’re glad she’s the one to do it.

Bonne Chance!

*Today’s post was made possible by the input of many women. We are fairly confident, however, that all would deny taking part if asked. And if you ask us who they are, we won’t tell…unless you offer us a lot of cupcakes…then we might crack…   

 

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

Solon July 26, 2012 at 10:10 am

Here’s a funny one I read just the other day about men drooling over the hot women on the cover of People magazine or walking the Red Carpet on “E”. “Men would probably get a lot more sex if men were half as hot as the women they drool over.” Funny, but all too often, true. Especially the slobby, overweight husbands with the hot looking wives on all the TV sitcoms. What’s with that?

My husband really IS hot, so I’m gonna keep on giving him whatever he wants so he keeps wanting it from ME!

Reply

Shannon July 26, 2012 at 10:32 am

Solon — thanks for the reply — you are always such a loyal reader! This put a big smile on my face to start the day — sounds like your marriage is doing just fine ;)

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Kathy V. July 26, 2012 at 12:30 pm

I’m emailing this to my husband right now. At work. So he gets it sooner.

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Shannon July 26, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Good luck ;)

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Farrah July 26, 2012 at 8:30 pm

But what about the current Game Of Thrones addiction I have? I am so tired- but want to read. Most nights he comes upstairs to find me literally- passed out cold.

I need a clone. That would fix EVERYTHING.

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Shannon July 26, 2012 at 8:40 pm

That WOULD fix everything – I need one that cooks and cleans, please!

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Suburban Snapshots July 26, 2012 at 8:36 pm

I wonder the same thing about schlubby sitcom husbands! Not only out of shape, but often portrayed as hapless doofuses (doofi?) to their wives’ sassy, hot smarts. WHERE IS THE OUTRAGE, HUSBANDS?

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Shannon July 26, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Good Lord — TV makes us all look like lunatics! The worst part is that people overseas think that is actually what we are like. A million years ago (you know…when I was young), I was talking to someone from Scotland who simply would not believe that my friend and I didn’t belong to a gang. He had gotten the impression that most Americans did from watching a TV show. My friend and I tried to convince him otherwise, but to no avail. Lovely.

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Solon July 27, 2012 at 8:07 am

Just had to throw this in. Met some people in Ireland who thought everyone who lives in Texas owns cattle, has an oil well in their back yard and drives a Cadillac convertible with Longhorn Steer horns on the front of it. OMG! Beverly Hillbilly stuff there and decades ago at that.

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