The Husband’s Guide to Getting Some

by Shannon Hembree on July 26, 2012

Dear Men,

We wives have been talking. That’s never a good sign…unless you want to have more sex with your wife. Then it’s a good sign, because we are about to lay out a very clear roadmap for getting what you want. So here it is – our guide to getting your wife in the mood.

Section A: Married to a Stay-at-Home Mom (All those married to moms with paying jobs, please proceed to section B)

  • Don’t come home from work and look at the house in disgust. This will immediately guarantee you will have no sex. Maybe forever.
  • Don’t come home from work and wonder aloud why the kids are naked. Your wife likely just cleaned up someone’s poopy accident in the middle of a carpeted floor. Again, no sex for you.
  • Don’t come home from work and ask your wife why she hasn’t showered. Ditto on the no sex.
  • Don’t come home from work and ask your wife if she has laundered your giant pile of dirty clothes. She may throw the previously mentioned pile of dirty clothes at you…and then…no sex.
  • Don’t assume your role is solely breadwinner and that it has nothing to do with helping around the house or with the kids. If you don’t help around the house, she will work late into the night doing it…rather than…you (yup, we just wrote that).
  • Don’t go the whole day without calling to talk to your spouse. She is at home with small children. She will appreciate it. Plus, a little extra connection during the day never hurts.
  • Do come home once or twice a week and tell your wife to relax for the rest of the night. Your kids need dad time, and she needs alone time…or maybe just time to shower off the spitup from an incident with your infant earlier in the day.
  • Do come home from work with a bottle of wine (and maybe even some flowers) and say something like, “I love you and all that you do. You’re an amazing wife and mom.” This combo platter will pretty much ensure a home run that Meat Loaf would be proud of (although perhaps not by the dashboard lights…unless you are into that kind of thing…no judgments here).

Section B: Married to a Mom Who Brings Home a Paycheck

  • Don’t tell your wife in a guilt-inducing voice that you think the kids missed her during the day while she was at work. This will only make her want to slap you…and not in the way they talk about in that men’s magazine of yours.
  • Don’t tell your wife why you think the nanny or the daycare is not good for your child. We’re going to stop saying ‘No Sex’ here, because it should be obvious at this point.
  • Never EVER comment on how young and/or attractive the nanny or daycare provider looks. Okay, we can’t help ourselves – no freakin’ sex, genius!
  • Don’t gloat that your paycheck is bigger. Don’t pout because yours is not.
  • Don’t ask if she needs help around the house. Just…help…around…the…house.
  • Don’t give her a hard time for working late. She wouldn’t do it if she didn’t have to.
  • Do tell your wife you appreciate the sacrifices she is making (the same goes for those in Category A).
  • Do come home from work with a bottle of wine (and maybe even some flowers) and say something like, “I love you and all that you do. You’re an amazing wife and mom.” Again, paradise by the dashboard lights…or whatever floats your boat.

We know that the path to paradise seems more complicated, but it’s usually not. And most of the moms we’ve talked to agree – a little bit of appreciation can go a long way. A little bit of appreciation with some flowers and wine can go even further. Just kidding – the wine isn’t necessary, but the appreciation is (yes, we understand it is a two-way street, and all you wives reading this need to send some appreciation the other way as well. Everyone is working hard to muddle through.). So take heart all of you husbands out there. You used to have a lot more competition when it came to enticing a woman to warm your bed. Now you have the woman to warm your bed, the challenge is making her feel like you’re glad she’s the one to do it.

Bonne Chance!

*Today’s post was made possible by the input of many women. We are fairly confident, however, that all would deny taking part if asked. And if you ask us who they are, we won’t tell…unless you offer us a lot of cupcakes…then we might crack…   

 

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